with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
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Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?