i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.