Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
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Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch