if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
An odd boast
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Optional boss fight.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake