Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
You Might Also Like
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
There is wisdom there.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
This did not end as expected.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅