My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
You Might Also Like
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
it is time once again
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person