*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
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Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Happy Febuary everyone!
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
My blood type is b hungry.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.