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I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Snapes on a plane.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”