Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Doggies just call it style.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My dog learned how to text
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?