do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
This did not end as expected.
God, I love Scotland
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
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Me: Same
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’