I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
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you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality