Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
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After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.