When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
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Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
#NeverForget