If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Holy moly
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.