If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
You can’t rush stupid.
Sing it!
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.