[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Coffee for people with no kids
12653.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.