Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.