Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
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Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.