“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
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A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away