Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
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beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.