Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.