You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.