Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
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Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
your honor my client chooses dare
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!