Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day