Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
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alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
drew a comic about my origin story