Untitled Goose Game (2019)
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When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Lmao
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.