Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
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I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Good news
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog