I don’t make the rules sorry
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I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Me trying to walk in a dream
rise and shine we got egg
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.