Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me