*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
You Might Also Like
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant