[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”