I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
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Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
“Why you watching this shit?”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.