Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
You Might Also Like
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.