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Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now