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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
you will never know the true number of layers
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call