Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
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me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
oh u like geography? name every lake
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?