Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
waiting for halloween be like:
I need better friends
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Many hands make light work
Me too 😆
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know