The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
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I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
when nothing goes right… go left
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4