Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.