Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
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Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.