my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no