[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
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– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Ugh but profoundly
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.