This tree does a lot of weird exercises
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mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Worlds greatest photobomb
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
men are simple creatures
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no