“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
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Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.