[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.