seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
You Might Also Like
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.