I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
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Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
This kid will have a bright future.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts