Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
You Might Also Like
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
so weird how every mom was born today
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real