When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
You Might Also Like
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Should I call tech support or pray or what
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest