Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
me after drinking all the wine:
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus